This morning I had a meltdown. It was seven a.m. and I stood in my kitchen, sobbing, because someone who owes me money has been delaying for weeks and I am so sick of begging to be paid.
Anyone relate to that? ;)
Of course, it’s not really about the money. Rather, it touched on one of my pain points—the fear that I don’t offer anything of value. When I work for someone, and they don’t pay me, part of me is wondering how to pay the rent, but another part is thinking, “oh my god, of course they won’t pay me, why would they? I’m no good at what I do. I don’t deserve to get paid for it. I will probably die in a dumpster, alone.”
This fear is one of my gremlins—one minute I’m a confident, creative professional with endless ideas and energy, and the next I this gremlin starts whispering my deepest fears.
I suspect everyone has these gremlin fears voices. We just keep them secret and hidden, because everyone else seems to have their crap together and we don’t want to be seen as the only person on the planet who doesn’t. So we’re all comparing ourselves to each other, and we’re all feeling like we fall short, and we’re all thinking we’re the only one!
Well, here’s my news flash from the day: I’m scared. I worry constantly that my contributions are not valuable. That there is something wrong with me. That my business will fail, that other people will say, “that’s stupid. No one would pay money for what you do.” I regularly have to silence my gremlins and speak gentle truth to myself instead: You’re good enough, Anena! The world needs what you offer! You deserve to succeed!
So this morning my gremlin got the best of me. Then I sat down at my desk and wrote myself a list of commitments. I commit to generating a varied income that means I will no longer be dependent on one client at a time. I commit to bringing my gifts to birth no matter the obstacles. I commit to my greatness!
Then I called and made a meeting with the potential business partner I’ve been meaning to call. I didn’t have time to go meet with him, but I did it anyway—because once you’ve reached the point of sobbing in the kitchen at seven a.m., you know you have to do SOMEthing!! We had a fantastic meeting, found several areas of great synergy, roughed in a timeline for bringing some new service programs into the community, and voila—gone were my blues! I am excited again, enthusiastic: I DO have something to offer. By myself, I often struggle, but working with others, we can create so much more—and now I have a new goal to pursue that is exactly the sort of product I’ve wished to develop, and partners to support me in the areas where I’m weak.
So I don’t mind having had a meltdown, because it’s what forced me to finally take action. Which, I’m sure, was the entire point. And I wonder how many other challenges in my life I could also transform by taking that gremlin-voice and doing whatever it tells me I am the least able to do?
Yeah, I don't actually blog anymore....
I used to blog all the time, but it was really TMI, so I finally wised up and took it down. Now I just write about life-and-business stuff, and even that is inconsistent. So lately I decided to cheat and post my newsletters here too. (You can join the newsletter list on the Home page.)